My alarm didn’t go off this morning. I set it for 5:00 pm instead of 5:00 am. I must have a subconscious desire not to get up that early. But, if I don’t get up, I don’t get to exercise. If it doesn’t happen then, it just doesn’t happen. I groaned when I realized what I’d done.
I thought maybe I could still get in some exercise if I worked it out just right and I figured a walk with Emma would be just the thing. We had our first snow fall yesterday, but this morning was clear and bright. We bundled up and headed out into the sunshine. Emma climbed into the stroller and I took off at a brisk pace. After only 100 yards she decided that she didn’t want to ride after all. There went my plans for exercise. I felt frustrated and hoped that after a little while she would get back in so I could speed up again.
As we walked down the road I showed her how to break the ice in the puddles. She loved the snap of the ice as much as I always did as a child. The puddles on the road were small, but when we reached the gravel pit there were big puddles thinly covered with ice, perfect for breaking. We walked from puddle to puddle. I held Emma’s hand as she carefully walked on the ice. The ice creaked and snapped. Water bubbled and slid beneath the surface. Usually, we heard a satisfying crack and other times there was the tinkle and clink of ice pieces tumbling against each other. Emma never tired of stepping on the ice and experiencing its crack beneath her.
As our time in the sun progressed I slowly let go of my anxiety to get on to exercise and I simply began to enjoy the time with Emma. Too often the things I do have multiple purposes, like this walk. I figured I could do something with my girl and get in some exercise at the same time. But the exercise was the really important thing in my mind this morning. I began to wonder when I lost my contentment with simple things. Emma was completely delighted with walking, cracking ice and humming happily about puddles. When had things and tasks become more important than relationships? She was happy to just be with me. When had I become a grown up, so much like the grown ups found by the Little Prince? Grown ups consumed with “matters of consequence.”
I admit that I am consumed with “matters of consequence.” I push through my days checking off things on my list, managing feeding, cleaning, and caring, trying to fit in a little time for this and that important activity, listening with half an ear while I take care of something else. I am pulled in a hundred different directions; distracted and distant. I should feel accomplishment, but I feel incomplete instead. The sweetness of everyday life has begun to elude me. I’m not exactly sure how to recapture it, but I think I caught of taste of it today in the sunshine, cracking the ice, releasing efficiency and wasting time.
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